Sunday run - being a working mom.

Top from my shuffle today.

Foster the people - pumped up kicks
One republic - good life
Breathe extended version by telepopmusik on genetic world album
Beautiful day - U2. Again.
Love song by Sara bareilles

So I finished my 4:2 of couch to 10 k this morning.

It was good to run. I was feeling and still feel out of balance. It's hard to explain but it feels a bit like being a dry scraggly rock. Like pumice stone. You don't feel completely alive and vibrant like a spring flower. Instead I felt old and tired, oh so very tired. But not in a good way.

I'd come to the end of a long weekend and feel really tired but not able to sleep. Now today I'm really tried but in a good way where I know I'll sleep deeply and heal from the inside out.

Running is like leaving it all out there. It helps in so many ways. I thought about a lot of things today. About how very hard it is to be a working mom. I get to spend very little time with my girls and when I do see them on weekends there are so many other things to be done.

I cried about it while running today.
I feel sad and unfortunately also angry. I want to stay home with my girls but I can't. I don't want to have to suppress how I really feel about handing my babies off to someone else during the day. She is someone I trust and who provides loving care that is about as close to family as you can get, but still it is not the same as granny Jo.

It is like a pit in your stomach and at the same time getting kicked. I just brought in pictures of Bitsy to work and I've been back to work for four months. I couldn't. I couldn't work ten hour days with only an hour break to pump at lunch and also sit and cry at my desk.

So four months later after my heart has again gotten used to the pain of separation from my baby, only now I can look at her picture during the day and not immediately cry but just get a lump in my throat.

It doesn't get easier, you only get used to how it feels. It hurts and that's just it. That's why I'm sad.

I'm also angry and I resent mothers who do get the pleasure of staying home with their babies. I see them. I try not to stare. I wonder if they see the yearning in my look and I hope it doesn't worry them. I try to feel happy for them but sometimes I'm just angry and have to turn away.

Keep on going.

These are the types of things that can eat you up if you let them. So I try to leave it all out there. Running helps.

My dear friend Rhodri has a great way of putting it. Build a bridge. And get over it. He's right, of course. Get over it. Everyone has their burdens and pain.

I have many things to be grateful and happy for. Trust me, I am.

There is nothing like the little party that I get EVERY night I walk in the door.
Bitsy squeals with joy. Starts to jump up and down. Throws her arms up and shakes from head to toe with joy. I can see no one but her. Until she is in my arms and we delight in each other.

Then Ellie screams and runs to me. Bill gets the last greeting of the night and he's just not as enthusiastic. But still happy I'm home so it's not two against one anymore.

These are all good things. And it is a new day that's going to be beautiful.

Are you a working mom, how do you deal with it all?

What kept me going at 5 am.

Katy Perry - hot and cold
Adele - rumor has it
Spearhead - say hey (I love you)
U2 - beautiful day
Coldplay - paradise
Adele - rolling in the deep

Those were the top from my playlist this morning. I usually like one note wonders pop because of the simple moving lyrics and beat. Also listening to songs with words helps the monotony of the treadmill that early in the morning. I used to listen to disc 1 of DJ Sasha's global underground Ibiza but have moved away. However I may go back once I start the long runs. His albums really help you to get in the zone. It took 50 minutes to get there this morning. Hopefully as I get back into training it will happen sooner!

I completed 4:1 of the couch to 10k and thought it was pretty easy!

Anyone else doing it too?

How was your workout today?

It is time

I see so many people out running since the weather has turned nice. I can't tell you how good it looks.

It is strange to say but running is pretty awesome. Clears the head, levels the heart, and chills you out. I have not had a taste of that in a long long long time and I cannot wait.

I am still nursing my 8 month old but I've been catching up on sleep for a few weeks now that she has cut her two bottom teeth and isn't sick anymore.

So I'm going to give it a go. It'll be rough but I'm seriously afraid of the alternative. Like wanting to keep dipping into the M&M bowl and being a serious crab monster all the time.

Wish me resiliency and persistence.

Because I want to go from this 👿 to this☺.